


Time For An Intervention

by Puella_Magica



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Shinji and Rei are a comedic duo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-18 18:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20317759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puella_Magica/pseuds/Puella_Magica
Summary: Shinji is thrown into an intervention and is outed by the women in his life.





	Time For An Intervention

**Author's Note:**

> My third fic (fourth if you count the KawoShin gangbang fic I've long since deleted). I don't have much to say here, so enjoy!

Shinji was sat down in front of foir concerned women. Well, Misato was concerned, Asuka looked pissed, Mari was grinning like an idiot and Rei was as emotionless as usual.

"So Shin-chan," Misato started. "you know why we've called you here?"

Shinji shook his head.

"Why am I not surprised?" Asuka said. "He's an idiot!"

Misato gave the redhead a look. "We called you here to discuss your relationship with Kaworu."

Shinji noticed that Asuka cringed at the mispronunciation of 'Karl' that was typical of any native Japanese speaker, but decided to stay quiet.

"We're friends." Shinji stated.

Mari laughed. "Are you sure?"

"Yes! Kaworu always seems to enjoy my company. He takes out to eat and talks to me about weird things. You know, like friends, but now I'm saying that, maybe it's just a German thing..."

"Nah! We're cold, hostile and slightly violent to people we don't like. That's why we have such a prominent BDSM culture!"

"Gross." Misato said before turning to Shinji. "Look Shin-chan, we think that you're in love with Kaworu."

Shinji choked on his spit. "What? No! I think of him platonically!"

"Really?" Asuka added. "What about Halloween?"

***  
"Asuka, does this look right?" Shinji asked while looking in the mirror, he was wearing a sailor-style dress.

"Care to explain why the fuck you were wearing a dress?" Asuka replied.

He tugged at his skirt. "It's for Touji's costume party. Kaworu had watched Sailor Moon and he asked me to cosplay as the main character."

"So he's making you do kinky shit for him. How intriguing."

"Just give me your fucking opinion of not!" Shinji said in a tone that would be more suited to Asuka herself.

Asuka decided to drop the topic, not wanting to have to deal with Shinji's rages. Since their last battle with the mass produced EVAs, Shinji had developed a very short temper, worse than Asuka's. She had no desire to have a glass thrown in her face like last time. She watched as Shinji grabbed a pair of red heeled boots and put them on. He tottered a bit as he started getting used to them. Then came the gloves, the jewellery and the most iconic of them all, the wig. The wig was blonde and had two buns perched on the top with long tails streaming down from them. It was then when the doorbell rang. Shinji ran excitely to the door and opened, revealing Kaworu in a tuxedo, a cape and a top hat.

"Shinji, you look amazing!" Kaworu exclaimed before giving him a red rose. He then saluted Asuka, which only got him a dirty look. "So are you ready to go?"

Shinji nodded before turning to Asuka. "I'll see you later at the party." He walked out of the apartment, closing the door behind him.

***

"That has nothing to do with anything!" Shinji exclaimed.

"It's coming." Asuka replied.

***

Throughout the whole night, Shinji had stayed in the background while Kaworu socialized with whoever. Asuka dressed in a pirate's costume went up to him and gave him a beverage. "Stop acting like a corpse and go and do something! Even Rei is having fun!"

Shinji looked over to see his intoxicated 'mother' in her plugsuit dancing sensually, while teenaged boys were gathered around her, occasionally throwing money at her. Normally, the two would've been worried, but she seemed to be enjoying it. Shinji sighed. "Okay, let's get me wasted!"

After chugging down around five cups of whatever one after the other, Shinji felt himself loosen. Suddenly an idea came to his head. He ran off to cut off the music, earning a few groans of frustration. He then proceeded to choose a new song, letting it play. "This song is dedicated to Nagisa Kaworu!" Somehow his voice hadn't slurred yet. Rei ran up to accompany her only 'child' and continued to dance as he started to sing.

HUMP ME! FUCK ME!  
Daddy betta make me choke.  
HUMP ME! FUCK ME!  
My tunnel loves a deepthroat.

Lick, lick, lick, lick  
I wanna eat yo dick.  
But I can't fuck up my nails  
So Imma pick it up with chopsticks.

Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open like I was at the Dentist  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open  
Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence

My fingas in it gentle  
Explore this angel mental  
Imma write my name on his dick  
Don't need a pen or a pencil  
All I need is my body  
My ass pink just like salami  
Don't need no drink to get naughty

Cause bitch I'm not Bill Cosby  
My ass is mean and it's clean  
I'm not a squirter I cream  
Keep it smellin' like baby wipes  
I never smell like sardines  
This will never fucking end.

Ballerina that dick when I spin  
I fucked this angel so good  
I ain't swallow one kid I think I swallowed twins!

HUMP ME! FUCK ME!  
Daddy betta make me choke.  
HUMP ME! FUCK ME!  
My tunnel loves a deepthroat.

Lick, lick, lick, lick  
I wanna eat yo dick.  
But I can't fuck up my nails  
so Imma pick it up with chopsticks.

Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open like I was at the dentist  
Mouth wide open  
Mouth wide open  
Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence

Go and put it down my butt!  
Let's shoot a movie, no cuts.  
Ride the dick and my nipples licked  
That's breastfeedin' while we fuck.

Gonna get the dick wet and firm  
you betta sweat me out of my perm.  
Can't wait til' it's my turn  
I wanna blow bubbles with sperm.

Wanna hit it from the back?  
Let me arch my back  
Once I arch my back that means attack this asshole  
Don't need no porn star cause I'm the moderin'.

All my spit on his dick  
Sound like I'm garglin'.  
Make him bust 3 nuts is the task  
My blxers stuck in my ass  
So I pulled them down to show him the hole  
Made his pubic hairs grow fast.

Fuck this Shinji  
Fuck this Shinji  
Fuck this Shinji  
Come fuck this Shinji  
Fuck this Shinji  
Fuck this Shinji  
Fuck this Shinji  
Come fuck this Shinji

After that, everything became black.

***

"Fuck!" Shinji said as he buried his face in his hands. "I sang 'Deepthroat' in public while Rei danced to it."

"I also added moans to the soundtrack." Rei added, seeming completely unfazed by her actions that night.

"Better yet!" Mari said. "He took you to his place!"

"My son is finally growing up." Rei said while shedding a tear.

"Enough! We didn't do anything!"

Mari smirked. "Fine then, time for my story."

***  
Mari had a blog dedicated to fanfiction about her friends. As expected, Kaworu and Shinji were a popular ship, so popular that they had their own page on the blog called 'KawoShin'. The paid consisted mostly of NSFW works written either by Mari herself or Rei, which was very disturbing for obvious reasons. One day, she noticed that someone had submitted a work under the name 'Yui'. It was beautifully written and was full of emotion. Mari could feel the angst. It was so beautiful that she had to message her.

Illustrious - Hey, your fic is so beautiful! Would you write another one?

Yui - Thx, but I think this is a one time thing.

Illustrious - Okay, I get it.

However a few days later, another fic had been submitted. It was an unrequited love fic. Then out of the blue, Yui had submitted an rape fic.

***

"A rape fic!" Asuka exclaimed. "That's sick and twisted! Who raped who? It's for research purposes."

"Kaworu raped Shinji." Mari replied.

***

After Mari had read the rape fic, which was very detailed, she decided to track down this person for the sake of Shinji's safely, really it was to thank them, but no one needed to know that. The first person she went to was Rei.

"Someone wrote a rape fic of my baby!" Rei exclaimed. "I'll find the bitch that conceived this revolting literature and Third Impact her face!" She stormed off to plan the murder of whoever had tainted her 'child'.

Mari groaned and cursed herself. Since Rei and Shinji had discovered their genetic proximity, Rei's mothering instincts had kicked in immediately. No seriously, the second she found out, she had offered to breastfeed Shinji. There was no one else to speak to. Maybe Kaworu could do something.

"This is very concerning." Kaworu said. "Shinji-kun could be in danger."

"So what is your master plan?" Mari asked excitely.

Kaworu waited a few seconds to create suspense. "Ask her for her ringtone."

Mari faltered. "What?'

"The easiest way to determine someone's personality is through the music they listen to."

Mari thought for a bit. "Smart."

The two found out that Yui's ringtone was 'Fly Me to the Moon'. From there, they could start to eliminate who wrote the rape fic. They ended up nowhere. As the two slumped against a random bench frustratedly, Asuka approached them. "Ha! You both look like Shinji! All mopey and depressed."

"Fuck off, Asuka." Kaworu said venomously.

"Okay, what happened? Kaworu has never spoken like this in his life."

"We're looking for the person who wrote a KawoShin rape fic and the only clue we have is 'Fly Me to the Moon'." Mari said.

Asuka smirked. "Easy!" She typed something on her phone and waited a few seconds. That iconic, yet dreadful song began to play and the group ran to the origin of the song. It was Shinji crouching, emptying his bag while Rei was attempting to breastfeed him for the eighth time that day. He found the phone and turned it off.

"There's your culprit." Asuka said before walking off.

***

"What kind of bullshit is that?" Shinji exclaimed. "So having a certain ringtone means that I have a rape fetish?!"

"Yes!" the group said collectively.

"Now, while Shinji and I had never talked about sexuality, I had always sensed that he played for the other team." Rei said.

"Ooh! Spill!" Mari said.

"There's not much to spill, but I've always noticed that Shinji looked at other boys in a way that looked a bit hungry."

Shinji groaned as the girls snickered like the bitches they were.

"At first, I thought that he was looking for a father, then I realised that he was looking for a daddy."

Asuka burst out laughing and fell onto the floor.

"It's important that we all accept Shinji for who he is. He did save the world after all."

"Thanks, Rei." Shinji said half-heartedly.

"However as your mother, great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandmother and sister in law, I encourage you to practice safe sex."

"Sister in law?" Misato said, speaking up for the first time in the conservation.

"Yes." Rei replied. "Kaworu and I are brother and sister as well as ex-husband and ex-wife."

"Gross!" Asuka commented. "So Shinji's fucking his uncle? I know that the Japanese have a weird obsession with incest bu-"

"No, they're not related. It would be better to cast their relationship as bestiality on Kaworu's behalf."

It was then when they heard a doorbell ring. Shinji jumped up and opened the door, revealing Kaworu holding a guitar.

"Hello Shinji-kun. I've written a song for you. It's called 'Doggy Style'."

Shinji grabbed the guitar from the angel and started to bash him with it, while yelling incomprehensible curses at him.

"Look." Rei said. "According to the ways of the 'Rangure' Soryu, this is the wedding ceremony."

"It's Langley, you idiot!"

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Asuka cringing at the mispronunciation of 'Karl' and 'Langley' comes from how romaji changes them to 'Kaworu/Kaoru/Kaaru' and 'Rangure/Rangurei'.
> 
> Also Rei trying to be a mother to Shinji was something I couldn't resist.


End file.
